Labour looks for a long spoon

Lord Mandelson the former Labour spinmeister has proffered his advice to the son of the outgoing leader of Hell:

"I can hardly believe it" he told the Absolutely Unbiased BBC "If only he had called me for advice, as he usually does"

"I would have made it clear that threatening to torch the whole Earth and drag mortals into the pit of eternal flame might have been presented differently" he said. "The Satanic Princeling and Lord of Pain might have suggested that warming the planet and offering a bespoke punishment service was, in the end, a net positive".

"Colonel Ga-Devil should have emphasized his shared family values, and the dynamically pro-active nature of his commitment to the slaughter of all of his enemies, even unto the last bullet " he said.

Lord Mandelson, long known for being a close advisor to the Horned One, was quick to suggest that the media might have got it wrong over the unrest that has left the eternal Cacophony in its usual tumult.

"Clearly the right wing press have their own agenda in reporting events from the region" he asserted. "In fact the Damned view the rule of the Beelzebub clan as a bulwark against instability and unrest". He suggested that was why the last Labour government had been keen to re-establish cordial relationships with the Masters of Hades.

"For a long period Britain faced repeated attacks - from Irish and other terrorists- that were in large part sponsored by the Evil One and his endless demon minions" He pointed out. "After I persuaded [former Prime Minister] Blair to meet with the Great Tempter in the desert, we were able to conclude a pragmatic deal that would work for us as much as for the Satanic Legion."

"Blair sold his soul at the usual price of 30 pieces of silver, but we also got a real commitment that we would no longer be regarded as the enemy of Satan and all his forces of darkness, but would be permitted to hand over our hostage and more importantly still get BP exploration rights in the Western Desert of the Damned."

"It was a good deal, a fair deal, and the right deal for Britain" He added.

As St Michael and the armed angels of the Almighty sit off the Tarturan coast poised to intervene to preserve Humanity from the rampages of Infernal power, Lord Mandelson remained unrepentant.

"We must see the world as it is, not as we would like it to be". He added "My glorious master, the Archfiend himself has promised me all the benefits of slavery and depravity that lies and treachery can bring and I come out to serve his evil will"

"It is simply a matter of practical politics" He said.